A Love of Convenience
by Paige Terner
Summary: Sometimes we can't have the things we want and we have to settle for the things that we need.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: A Love of Convenience **

**Summary: Sometimes we can't have the things we want and we have to settle for the things that we need. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own most of the characters I write about. If you recognize a name, odds are it isn't mine. But seeing as this is a fanfic website, you probably knew that already.**

**Thanks again to Sunshiny-Kate, the best beta a writer could ask for! She also came up with the premise of this story.**

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><p>Driven. Strong. Committed. Sexy. These are just a few of the many words that can be used to describe Detective Kate Beckett on a daily basis. Somber. Depressed. Forgotten. Hopeless. These are words that can be used to discribe Kate Beckett right now.<p>

She'd messed up. She'd blown it. She'd waited too long and missed her chance. Everything she should have done and said kept replaying in her mind, replaced only by the stupidity of what she had actually done.

She wasn't drunk. You need to consume alcohol to get drunk. Staring at the golden-brown, almond flavored liquid was doing nothing to ease the pain. And yet she still didn't drink. She knew only one thing would soothe the ache in her heart, and it wasn't found in a bottle.

The bartender kept glancing at her, wondering what her story was. The sorrow on her face was almost painful to look at, and he could tell she was fighting back tears. He came back to her end of the bar every so often but she shook her head with every offer of a new drink and was obviously in no mood for small talk. So he finally decided to leave her alone. But someone else had other ideas.

"You know, most people come to bars to have a good time."

Beckett didn't respond to the deep voice that belonged to the man who was now standing next to her barstool. She just continued to run a finger around the rim of the sweating glass in her hands.

"And if they aren't in the mood for a good time, they come to forget something." The man continued. "But that's what the drink is for, and you aren't drinking it. Know what that tells me?" He paused but still received no response. "You've had all the fun you can handle for one night, or you are in so much pain you don't want to forget."

Beckett sighed lightly and turned enough to look at the stranger. Her eyes widened. He was tall. Really tall. And he was hot. His black hair was rumpled, his dark brown eyes were mesmerizing, and his smile was enchanting.

"I know what's wrong with you." He said.

She continued to stare at him for a few seconds before finally breaking her silence.

"You do?"

"I do." He answered. "You have a broken heart." He chuckled at the incredulous look she shot at him. "Trust me. I know hearts."

"You know hearts?" She echoed. "is that some sort of cheesy pickup line?"

"No. I'm a heart surgeon."He flashed another killer smile. "But I can do cheesy pickup lines if you want."

Beckett laughed. She didn't want to. She wanted to stay wallowing in self pity. But she laughed anyway.

"I'll keep that in mind." She said. "So, a heart surgeon? That sounds exciting."

"You've never truly lived until you've held another person's heart in your hands." He paused when a disgusted look swept across Beckett's face. "Too much?"

"A little too much, yeah." She replied with a nod.

"Sorry. So, are you here with someone?"

"Just me, myself, and I."

"I'd offer to buy the three of you a drink, but none of you seem all that thirsty."

"I guess we aren't." Beckett chuckled.

They studied each other for a moment. Beckett was about to ask him his name when she was interrupted by a muffled beeping. She watched as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pager. He read the screen and then returned it to his pocket before looking back up at her.

"I hate to leave so soon, but I've got to go to work."

"Someone have an actual broken heart?" Beckett asked.

"Something like that." He said with a laugh. He zipped up his leather jacket and smiled at her. "I hope you find what you're looking for at the bottom of that glass."

Before she could reply he was walking away. With a few long strides he reached the door and became the second man to walk out of Beckett's life in one day. She looked back at her now warm drink and frowned. There was nothing left for her here. She put some money under the glass and headed for the exit. Alcohol wasn't going to help her. What she needed was a tub of ice cream and a _Temptation Lane_ marathon.

* * *

><p>One month later, summer was going strong in New York City. The sun was rarely hidden behind the clouds but the heat wasn't miserable yet. And on this particular Saturday a gentle breeze was blowing, keeping the rising temperatures perfectly bearable. It was a great day for a motorcycle rally, and Beckett wasn't going to let a criminal stop her from going, so she used a well-deserved day off. She took a taxi to the climate controlled garage where she kept her bike. It required some creative budgeting to afford to keep it there, but that bike meant a lot to her and the sacrifices she had to make were well worth it.<p>

The moment she threw her leg over the seat she was free. There were no bad guys to hunt down and she didn't miss her mom or Castle. There was just her and the rumble of the machine below. She tugged on her helmet and steered her way to the exit, then made her way into traffic.

She took her time on the way to Central Park. She kept the visor up so the wind blew against her face. She wove between cars, not to get anywhere faster, but just because she could. Without a doubt, that Harley was the best thing she'd ever spent money on. It always made her feel like a teenager again, like there was nothing she couldn't do. Something about the control it gave her, the way she could maneuver nearly anywhere she wanted to, it made her feel powerful.

By the time she reached the park her face was lit up with the most genuine smile she'd worn in weeks. She saw the small group of fellow motorcycle enthusiasts and idled up to them. She'd never been to one of these before, but she had read about it in a local newspaper and decided to give it a try. She sighed happily as she shut off the bike and looked around for a few minutes before she got up and lowered the kickstand. She put her helmet on the seat and shook out her hair.

A couple of deep breaths later she started mingling with the crowd. There were men and women, aged from early twenties to mid-sixties. She felt at ease here, there was no pressure. They talked about bikes. Not murderers or crimes or books or authors. Here she was just a bike lover, not a detective or a muse, and she instantly knew this kind of thing would forever be an escape from the brutality of her own life.

An hour later she was listening to a retired school teacher named Teddy Milton tell the story behind his bike's paint job, which was a myriad of different sized purple skulls. She was totally engrossed in his story, and she jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned to see who was trying to get her attention and her mouth fell open in surprise.

"It's you." She said dumbfoundedly.

"It's me." The tall, dark, handsome stranger from the bar said. "The name's Josh, by the way. I guess I failed to mention that when we first met."

"Kate." She replied.

"Nice to meet you, Kate. Officially."

"Likewise, Josh." She said with a smile. "So, you ride motorcycles?"

"I do indeed. That's my Harley."

He pointed to a sapphire blue bike sitting at the edge of the crowd. The color instantly made her think of Castle's eyes, and a quick flutter tore through her stomach. She inhaled deeply and shook her head slightly to erase his image from her mind.

"Mine's over there." She pointed to show him.

"Soft-tail. Nice."

"Thank you. I like yours too. Sportster, right?"

"You know your Harleys." He grinned.

"It's just a hobby." She shrugged, suddenly nervous.

"Hey, this may be a bit forward, but would like to go get a cup of coffee?" He asked. "We can talk about bikes. Or about whatever."

Beckett bit the inside of her lip and regarded him for a full five seconds before answering.

"I'd like that." She said.

"Great." He smiled again. "I know a great place. It's a few blocks away."

"I'll follow you, then."

"Okay."

He trotted to his bike and Beckett did the same. By the time she climbed on hers, he had driven over to her. They nodded, choosing not to try to speak over the engine noise. Josh began driving towards the park exit with Beckett following not far behind.

* * *

><p>Beckett wasn't sure how long they'd been sitting there talking, but their coffee was long gone. They gone through a veritable variety of topics. They had discussed everything from their motorcycles to the weather to favorite movies to their jobs. Beckett decided not to mention Castle. She didn't know if the hottie heart surgeon considered this a date, but whatever it was, the topic of a man following her around at work seemed taboo. Plus, she didn't want to get into the whole Nikki Heat thing. And honestly, she just didn't want to talk about Castle.<p>

She didn't want to keep thinking about him. How he was up in the Hamptons, sipping mixed drinks with little umbrellas while Gina rubbed sunscreen on his back. She didn't want to dwell on the fact that he'd left so easily, shaking hands like co-workers and throwing a thin promise to see her in the fall over his shoulder. She'd never been so strongly affected by a man leaving. A break-up had never left her rehashing what went wrong.

But this was different. This hadn't been a break-up. You have to be dating to break up. No, the thing that bothered her the most was her own relutance to let herself go. She was mad that she let herself stay locked up behind that wall. She also hated the the fact that she'd actually thought he liked her. He'd said it himself. He'd only invited her to his place as a friend. What ever had possessed her to think that he, Richard Castle, a man who could have any woman, would want her? These things were why she was still so upset about the day he'd left. Because nothing made sense.

"Earth to Kate? Hello? Are you still with me?"

Beckett blinked a few times as she realized that Josh was talking, and she was completely ignoring him.

"I'm sorry, Josh. I was thinking about a case." She lied. "What were you saying?"

"I said that I have really enjoyed talking with you today."

"Oh." She smiled. "I have too. With you, I mean."

"Do you want to get dinner sometime?"

Okay. That kinda cleared up the date question. Beckett licked her lips and saw Josh look down at them. The same way she would look at Castle's lips. No. She had to stop this.

"Yes. I'd like that." She answered.

"Great. How about tomorrow?"

"That should work as long as I'm not too tied up with a case." She answered, making sure she had an out in case she changed her mind.

"I get off shift around seven. Can I pick you up at eight?"

"Yeah. But why don't you call me when you get off work. By then I'll know if I'll be able to make it."

"Works for me." Josh replied, widening the grin that hadn't left his face since they'd sat down.

Beckett returned the smile and grabbed a napkin and a pen. She wrote down her number and her address and handed it to Josh.

"Thank you again for the coffee. You really didn't have to do that." She said.

"It was the least I could do in exchange for such pleasant company."

Beckett smiled again and they both stood up. They headed outside and made their way to the bikes.

"I'll pick you up in my car tomorrow." Josh told her. "As I'm sure you know, New York at night isn't the best time for motorcycles, especially with two passengers."

The idea of riding behind him on the bike with her arms wrapped around his waist sent a pleasant shudder thorough her. She quickly shoved the thought to the back of her mind.

"Sounds good. Talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay. Bye, Kate."

"Bye, Josh."

They put on their helmets and swung onto their bikes. After starting the machines up they nodded a final farewell before going their separate ways in the afternoon traffic.

Beckett knew her heart wasn't broken. But it was all out of sorts. And maybe, just maybe, a doctor was exactly what she needed to straighten it out.

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><p><strong>AN- So, here's the thing. Most of us don't like Josh. We feel like he got in the way of Caskett. But it wasn't his fault. He cared for Kate, and she cared for him. This story will explore the parts of their relationship we saw, and a few we didn't, but from their perspective. I think it will be an interesting little journey. I hope you'll come along with me. Thanks for reading. Until next time, Paige**


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: A Love of Convenience**

**Summary: Sometimes we can't have the things we want and we have to settle for the things that we need.**

**Disclaimer****: I don't own most of the characters I write about. If you recognize a name, odds are it isn't mine. But seeing as this is a fanfic website, you probably knew that already.**

**Thanks again to Sunshiny-Kate, the best beta a writer could ask for! She also came up with the premise of this story.**

* * *

><p>Schools were back in session. The leaves were tinged with subtle hints of color. The was a barely noticeable chill in the breeze. But there was no Castle. Here they were, three weeks into September, and there hadn't been a call, text, or even an email. Beckett was getting impatient. Was he still up in the Hamptons? He must be, because he wouldn't just fail to contact her if he was back. Would he?<p>

That afternoon she and the guys had wrapped up a case that had appeared to be a double homicide but turned out to be a well planned murder/suicide. Another body had yet to drop and all her paperwork was done. And a bored Beckett is an unhappy Beckett. So she'd left the precinct and went to the shooting range.

The alleys of the range always helped her blow off steam. Until today. No matter how many bullets she put into that paper target, her frustration didn't wane in the slightest. And she wasn't having any fun. So she had packed up and headed home.

Now she was sitting on her couch in the silence of her empty apartment, trying to think of something to do. She sighed loudly, the lonely sound echoing off the walls and bouncing back to taunt her. Then it hit her. Something she could do that would get her mind of Castle, or rather, the lack of him. She pulled her phone from her pocket and called the number that was at the bottom of her favorites screen.

"Hey, Kate." Josh's voice came through the earpiece.

"Hey." She replied. "When do you get off tonight?"

"Nine."

"Why don't you come over?"

"That's pretty late, Kate. Don't you have work in the morning?"

"Don't worry about that. When do you go in tomorrow?"

"Nine. You know I'm working twelve on/twelve off right now." He answered.

"Oh, yeah. Okay then. I'm a big girl. If I want to stay up late, I can. And you'll have plenty time to go home and get ready for work in the morning."

"Wait. You want me to stay the night?" He asked quietly.

"Yes."

"Are you sure, Kate?"

"We've been going out for two months, Josh."

He was silent for a few moments, but Beckett felt like she could hear him thinking.

"This is really kind of a weird conversation." He finally said.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I've never made plans to have sex. It usually just...happens."

"Oh. Me either." She sighed. "So, are you coming over or not?"

"I'll be there by nine thirty."

"Don't be late."

"Yes Ma'am."

Beckett hung up her phone and stared at it. That really had been a weird conversation. But she was in a weird mood. And it wasn't like she didn't want to sleep with Josh. Why wouldn't she? He's sweet, she really likes him, and as she'd told him, they'd been going out a while now. They're two consenting adults who are attracted to each other. It was time for that next step.

She looked at her wrist, reading the time off of her father's watch. Seven o'clock. Two hours until Josh got off work. That gave her enough time to eat some dinner, take a shower, and look over her makeshift murder board before he came over. Not that she would find anything new. She never found anything new. But she wasn't going to give up. So she hauled herself up off the couch and went into the kitchen to scrounge up some food.

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><p>The next morning Beckett strolled off the elevator onto the floor of the precinct that was her home away from home. She'd had a fantastic night learning just how dexterous Josh was with his large but nimble surgeon's hands, and the morning encore hadn't been any less eye-opening. She felt more relaxed than she had in a long time, and she didn't try to stop the extra sway in her hips as she headed towards her desk. She hung her jacket on the back of her chair and put her purse in a drawer.<p>

She took the long way across the room and picked up some files from her inbox. As she headed back she took her normal path and passed Esposito's and Ryan's desks. She stopped walking when she heard a splattering sound. She turned back around and looked down at the egg on the ground before bringing her gaze back up to look at Ryan.

"Are you guys re-enacting the Humpty Dumpty crime scene? " She asked.

"It's the autumnal equinox today." Ryan said as if that was a logical explanation.

"Yeah." Esposito added without looking up from his magazine. "And according to Mr. Wizard there, it's the only time of year you can balance an egg on its tip."

"Don't you guys have work to do?" Beckett asked, hiding her amusement with a glare.

"Nah." Esposito answered.

"No, not really." Ryan agreed.

"Hmm. Well, now you do."

She tossed a couple of the files from the stack in her hand on his desk and then snapped at the ground, letting him know he needed to clean up his mess. She started walking towards her desk again.

"By the way." She said over her shoulder. "That whole thing with egg is just urban legend."

"Not true." Ryan argued. "I saw Castle do it last year."

She froze momentarily. All her fuzzy, happy feelings rushed out of her like water from a busted dam. She sighed silently and set the rest of the files on her desk before sitting down. Esposito stood up and smacked the back of Ryan's head.

"What's wrong with you?" He hissed before heading after Beckett with Ryan following. "Still no word from him?" He asked her.

"No." She replied with an overly sweet tone.

"Maybe you should call him." Ryan suggested as he crossed his arms.

"He said that he would be back in the fall, and it's fall. So, clearly he has better things to do." Beckett replied.

"Maybe he's not back from the Hamptons yet." Esposito offered. "Maybe he's still working on his book."

As if on cue, the phone on Beckett's desk rang to life. They all looked at at, each silently hoping it was Castle on the other end.

"Beckett." She said tentatively into the mouthpiece.

Ryan and Esposito watched her in anticipation.

"Yeah." She replied to a question they couldn't hear as she leaned forward on her desk.

Her crestfallen body language told the other detectives all they needed to know. Castle was not the unknown caller. They turned to go back to their desks just in time to miss the glare she threw thier way.

* * *

><p>"So, he's working with you again?" Josh asked.<p>

"Yeah." Beckett answered.

"And you're okay with that?" He pressed.

"He won the bet." She lied. "I honor my bets."

She should feel guilty for lying to Josh. But she didn't. However, Castle was the last thing she wanted to talk about while laying skin-on-skin in Josh's arms. So she changed the subject.

"How was work today? You save any lives?"

"Everything was oddly routine today." He told her. "Had a triple and a double bypass and then I put a new valve in a kid with a heart defect."

"How old?" She interrupted.

"Eleven. But he came through it like a champ. He'll be playing with his buddies in no time."

"So you did save some lives today."

"I guess I did." He chuckled, then leaned down and kissed Beckett's forehead. "Let's go to sleep, Kate. It's late."

She smiled as she sat up enough to kiss him. She pulled away a moment later and they turned over on their sides. Josh threw an arm over Beckett's waist and pulled her tight to him. They were both asleep within minutes.

* * *

><p>"Kate."<p>

Beckett and Montgomery turned at the same time to see who had called out to her. She smiled when she saw him.

"Josh, what are you doing here?" She asked as she walked over to him.

"Oh, I got your text." He answered.

"You mean, the text where I said I was gonna pick you up?"

"Yeah." Josh chuckled. "I was nearby."

"Well, uh, Josh, this is Captain Montgomery, Richard Castle, Detectives Esposito and Ryan." She turned and pointed to each of them as she introduced them.

Josh regarded them for a second before flashing a smile that was far less dashing to them as it was to Beckett.

"Hey, boys." He greeted them. He didn't seem to hear them all muttering something about boys under their breath as he continued. "Catch any bad guys today?"

"Every day." Ryan stated shortly.

Josh smiled again, unaware that he had just turned four of Beckett's five closest friends against him, then looked back at Beckett.

"You all set?"

"Yeah. Let me just get my stuff." She said and went to her desk.

"Okay." He responded quietly.

He turned back towards the four men watching him and was surprised to find that the one Beckett had pointed out as Richard Castle was standing less than a foot away.

"So, you and Beckett?" Castle asked.

"What about us?"

"You tell me."

Realization washed over Josh's face.

"You're the writer." He said.

"Yeah. Yeah, and... and you are?"

"Oh, Kate hasn't told you about me, has she?"

"What's to tell?"

Josh smirked. He could tell by the way Castle was acting that he was right, and he was loving this. Before he could say anything else though, Beckett walked back up.

"Hey. You ready to go?" She asked Josh.

He smiled at her.

"Yeah." He paused and looked back at Castle. "Yeah, I'll see you around."

"Bye, guys." Beckett nodded to them foursome and turned to leave.

She looked up at Josh as he put his arm around her, then she looked down. They had walked a few more steps when they glanced back at each other and shared a smile. She reached up, hesitated, and then put an arm around his waist. Once they rounded the corner she cleared her throat.

"Where are we going?"

"I thought we'd ride to down to Times Square." He replied.

"And do what?" She crinkled her nose.

"Get some hot-dogs and watch the tourists."

"Seriously?"

"No. We're going to watch the sunset from the top of the Rockefeller Tower and then go have dinner anywhere you want."

"I like that much better." She laughed.

"Good."

They reached the elevator and stood in silence as they waited for it to arrive.

* * *

><p>"So, what does Prohibition have to do with a dead guy you just found?"<p>

"I don't know, Josh." Beckett elbowed him gently in the side. "That's why I want you to help me research."

"I can think of better things to do in bed." He said as he leaned down and kissed her neck. "Namely, you."

"Work first, play later." She laughed. "Come on, please help me. I want to figure this out."

"Okay." He sighed, sat back up, and put an arm around her shoulders. "What exactly are we looking for?"

"I don't know. But I want to start with Jimmy Walker." She answered.

"The actor who played JJ on _Good Times_?" He asked.

She shot him a look to see if he was kidding, but he was definitely not.

"No." She began. "He was a mayor of New York. He went by the nickname Beau James."

"Oh. Never heard of him."

Beckett was about to tell him more about James, but her cell phone rang before she could. She groaned and reached for it, answering without looking at the screen.

"Beckett."

"Beckett?" Castle's voice echoed in her ear. "I think I know how Donny was shot."

"What?"

"Yeah. Meet me at The Old Haunt."

"Castle, it's late. Tell me in the morning."

"No, I need to show you."

"Okay." She sighed frustratedly. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Great. You won't regret this."

"We'll see about that." She said, then hung up.

"What was that all about?" Josh asked.

"Castle has a lead and I need to go see what it is." Beckett replied as she set the laptop aside and started to get up.

"Right now?"

"Yes. You can stay here. I shouldn't be gone too long."

She went to the closet and began to get changed into something appropriate for outside the bedroom.

"Why do you always go running to him when he calls?"

"Excuse me?" She called out.

"You never hesitate to go when it involves Castle."

She came out of the closet after pulling on some shoes.

"Josh, he's my co-worker. I have to go when there is evidence, when we have leads. Investigations don't wait on my personal life."

He sighed loudly and the anger she'd started to feel disappeared when she saw the look on his face. She walked over and crawled on the bed until she was straddling him. She put a hand on either cheek and pulled him to her for a deep, gentle kiss. She broke away several moments later and locked her eyes to his.

"Listen Josh, and listen closely. I'm with you. Not Castle. Castle is a co-worker and a friend. Nothing more."

She kissed him again and this time he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer, and kissed her back.

"Hurry back?" He asked against her lips.

"As quick as I can." She smiled.

He returned the smile and let go of her. She got up and went to the dresser to get her gun and her keys. She turned and smiled once more at Josh and then left to meet Castle, hoping that this really wouldn't take long.

* * *

><p>"Kate, what's up?" Josh asked. "You've barely spoken since you picked me up from the airport."<p>

Beckett licked her lips and sat her practically untouched dinner on the coffee table next to Josh's empty plate. She had a whole speech planned out, but she couldn't seem to say any of it. So she resorted to blurting.

"I kissed Castle."

"You did what?" His tone was angry and confused.

"We were undercover, and we pretended to be a couple to fool a guard."

"Pretended to be a couple?"

"We had to distract the guard. They were holding Ryan and Espostio hostage."

"So the only way to save them was to kiss Castle?" The confusion was gone, now only the anger remained.

"Josh, I know it sounds horrible, but I swear, it really was just a ruse. I've felt guilty about it ever since."

"Why didn't you tell me when it happened?"

"You were in Africa."

"Oh, it's okay that you kissed another man because I was in in Africa, so it doesn't count, right?"

"That's not what I meant, Josh. I meant I didn't want to tell you something like that over the phone. I wanted to tell you in person."

"And that's supposed to make it better?"

"Josh, Castle and I haven't even mentioned the kiss again. Because it meant nothing."

Now she was getting into dangerous territory. She was officially lying. She'd stretched the truth by implying that she'd initiated the kiss, but she thought Josh would handle that better than what really happened. He could never know that Castle had kissed her first, because he would never trust her around Castle again. Suddenly Josh stood up.

"I need some time to think about this." He said quietly.

"Okay." She whispered and stood next to him.

He started for the door and she followed silently. He opened the door and left without a word, and she was left alone. She waited there for nearly a full minute before turning to go back to clean up from dinner. She had taken three steps when there was a knock on the door. She went back and opened it. Josh was standing there, his eyes lit up with an intensity she'd never seen in him.

"Did it really not mean anything?"

"What?" She asked.

"The kiss. You said it meant nothing. Is that the truth?"

She swallowed hard. If she answered wrong she feared this would be the end of them. And she wasn't ready for that. She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"It meant that we could save Ryan and Esposito." She said, not lying completely.

He stared at her for several moments that felt like years to her.

"So, when you kissed him, it didn't feel like it does when you kiss me?"

"No." She answered truthfully without hesitation, hoping beyond hope that he wouldn't ask if it was better. Even her poker face wasn't that good.

Luckily for her, Josh didn't ask anymore questions. He came back in the apartment and closed the door behind him. Then he gently grabbed Beckett's face and pressed his lips to hers furiously. She relaxed into his embrace and return the kiss passionately. Never breaking the kiss, he picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. Then he started to walk them slowly to her bedroom.

"Josh, wait." Beckett said halfway to her room.

"What's wrong?" He asked as he stopped and pulled away enough to look at her.

"I'm sorry."

"Next time you need to distract someone, can you promise to use something other than those luscious lips of yours?"

"I promise."

"Okay then. Let's go have some make-up sex."

"Well, if we must." She said with a bite to her lip.

"Oh, we must."

They both laughed and Beckett put her arms around his neck. They shared another quick kiss and then he carried her the rest of the way to her waiting bed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: A Love of Convenience**

**Summary: Sometimes we can't have the things we want and we have to settle for the things that we need.**

**Disclaimer****: I don't own most of the characters I write about. If you recognize a name, odds are it isn't mine. But seeing as this is a fanfic website, you probably knew that already.**

**Thanks again to Sunshiny-Kate, the best beta a writer could ask for! She also came up with the premise of this story.**

* * *

><p>Josh was grinning like a fool as he typed out a text.<p>

_Kate, I have some amazing news!_

He pressed send and paced impatiently as he waited for an answer. His phone vibrated a few seconds later.

_What is it?_ She'd replied.

_I'm going on another Doctors Without Borders mission. _He typed back, his thumbs flying due to his excitement.

_What?_

_Yeah. A spot opened up in the Haiti group and they offered it to me._

_And you already told them yes?_

_I had to or they would have given it to someone else. _

_Didn't you think about discussing this with me first?_

He read his screen twice, clueless as to why she was upset. Then he tapped out a response.

_Like I said, I had to decide right away. What gives, Kate? I thought you'd be happy for me._

_I'm overjoyed._

Realizing this wasn't a conversation that should be continued by text, Josh called her. He waited through several rings for her to answer, but his patience was rewarded only by her voicemail.

"Kate, call me back, please. I want to talk about this. There's more I didn't get to tell you. So call me. Okay. Bye."

He hung up, still in disbelief that she hadn't answered. He obviously knew that she had her phone. She really must be angry. He let two minutes pass before he tried calling her again. This time he didn't leave a message. He figured it wouldn't do any good.

"Dr. Davidson?"

Josh turned to see the nurse who'd called to him.

"Yeah?" He asked.

"The patient is prepped. We're ready for you."

Josh locked at the clock on the wall and sighed. Time had gotten away from him. He nodded to the nurse and went to his locker to put up his phone. He'd have to wait until after the surgery to talk to Kate. He left the break room, hoping she'd be cooled off by then.

* * *

><p>"Think he's telling the truth?" Esposito asked.<p>

"That guy does not have the improv skills to make up a lie like that." Castle answered.

"Have CSU check the car for signs that someone else tampered with it." Beckett told Esposito.

"You got it." He replied.

Beckett's cell phone rang, begging her to release it from the confines of her pocket. She pulled it out and read the name of the caller. She sighed. He'd called six times already. It was time for her to answer.

"Yeah, I... Sorry, you guys. I gotta get this." She said quietly.

She left the observation room, the phone already to her ear, but she didn't say anything yet. She wanted to wait until she was out of range of the many sets of curious ears.

"Kate?" Josh's voice came through the speaker and she could tell he wasn't sure if she'd actually answered.

"Not now, Ryan." Beckett breathed out as she passed the other detective.

"Kate?" Josh repeated.

"Yeah, Josh, I'm here. Sorry, I wanted to get somewhere more private."

"Okay. Look, I'm glad you answered."

"Josh, I don't want to do this over the phone."

"Let me come pick you up then. We can go get some lunch, or do whatever, and talk about it."

"I'm in the middle of a case, Josh. I can't just leave. We'll have to wait until tonight."

"I can't come over tonight."

"Why?"

Josh sighed, and Beckett knew it wasn't a good sound.

"I have some meetings to go to, some paperwork to fill out, shots to get, stuff like that."

"You have to do all that tonight?"

"Yes."

"You seriously can't wait?"

"No, Kate, I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm leaving tomorrow."

If it wasn't for the faint background noise of the precinct, Josh would have thought Kate had hung up.

"Let me get this straight." She finally said, her voice low, her even tone forced. "Someone asked you to go to Haiti. You said yes. You're leaving tomorrow."

"I told you this morning I had to make a decision right away."

"You left out the part about you leaving right away."

"I tried to call you. You wouldn't answer."

"So now this is my fault?"

"Come on, Kate, don't be like that. I'm just saying that I didn't get a chance to tell you."

"Tell me one thing." Beckett sighed. "Why do you want to leave all the time?"

"It's not about leaving, Kate." Josh began, his tone slightly frustrated but gentle at the same time. "It's about making a real difference in the world. It's about saving lives."

"You can do that here." She said quietly.

"I know. But these people we help on these trips, they need it even more. This makes me feel good, Kate. Like I'm worth something."

Beckett took in a deep breath, not sure what to say to that. A movement in her peripheral vision caught her attention. Castle had found her, but her hiding place behind the stairs wasn't all that good, so she wasn't surprised. He was standing far enough away to show that he wasn't evesdropping, but she could tell by the way he kept shifting on his feet that he had something important to tell her. She let the breath she was still holding out slowly.

"Josh, look, I'm sorry, but I really have to go. I've got a lead to follow up."

"The dead guy isn't going anywhere, Kate."

"No Josh, he's not. You're the only one going somewhere."

"That's not fair, Kate."

"Yeah, well, life isn't fair, Josh. I've got to go."

She hung up before he could say anything else. Maybe this one foot out the door thing wasn't so great after all. It seemed to leave Josh with no reason to stick around. She sighed and pocketed her phone, then started towards Castle, hoping he had something relevant to the case to tell her and not not some crazy theory to share. She needed something to focus on, something to be in control of.

* * *

><p>The next morning Beckett was getting some coffee from the break room, not able to wait for Castle to get there with her normal supply. She'd tossed and turned all night, thinking about how Josh would be leaving the country in less than twenty-four hours. He'd called a couple more times, but she'd refused to answer. Deep down she knew she was being childish about this whole thing, but she was hurt and confused and she just didn't know what to do.<p>

She finished fixing the steaming cup of caffeine that would hold her off until Castle came in with much better reinforcements and headed out to her desk. She made it halfway there when she heard him say her name.

"Kate."

She looked up and stopped when she saw Josh leaning against her desk. He had his arms crossed and his face was somber. She swallowed hard as she found herself suddenly and inexplicably nervous. She continued walking until she reached her desk and she set the cup down, no longer interested in the coffee. Then she stepped in front of him. They stared at each other for several silent, tense moments before she spoke.

"What are you doing here, Josh?" She asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

"I came to talk." He replied with a matching tone.

"What's left to talk about? You're leaving today. That's that."

He reached for her but she took a half step back.

"Kate, it's not like I'm leaving you. I told you why I'm going."

"Can't you at least see why I'm upset?"

"I can. But Kate, it's only for a few weeks. A couple months at the most."

"See, you don't get it."

"Then tell me."

"It's just that...well, we don't spend that much time together." She looked around and stepped closer, so they were almost touching, allowing her to lower her voice even more. "And lately, what little time we do have we end up just having sex and going to sleep."

"Kate, I'm a doctor, you're a cop. Busy schedules come with the territory."

"I know, Josh. At first, that was great. I didn't want to spend all my free time with you. And I still don't. We'd both feel smothered. But I don't like the way things are going. I want to do more than just sleep with you." She bit her lip. "I mean honestly, it feels as if we've become more like friends with benefits than anything else."

"Kate, are you...are you saying we're over?"

"No. I don't know what we are." She paused as he let out a sigh and looked down. "But once in a while, if you were here, that would be great."

They both hesitated when Castle came into view across the room. Josh stood up, not wanting to continue with Castle there. He leaned forward and kissed her on the head gently.

"Call me later." He whispered quickly against her skin.

He turned to leave, passing Castle as he did.

"Hey." Josh said nonchalantly.

"Hey." Castle replied beore walking over to Beckett and offering her a coffee. "What brings Motorcycle Boy here?" He asked. "Dr. Motorcycle Boy." He added when she glared at him.

"Does he need a reason?" She asked as she took her coffee and started towards Esposito's desk.

"It just looked personal." Castle offered.

"It was." She replied before turning her attention to Esposito. "Where are we on those hidden cameras?

* * *

><p>Beckett decided that now would be the perfect time to call Josh. Ryan and Esposito were busy helping Fallon and Castle was meeting with Fariq Yusef. She grabbed her phone from her desk and went into the empty break room. A few deep breaths later she was ready and made the call. Josh answered on the first ring.<p>

"Hey, Kate."

"Hey, Josh."

"I'm glad you called."

"I had some time to think today." She couldn't tell him that that time had been while she was being held in a tent for possible exposure to radiation, but it didn't matter anyway. "And I don't want you to leave mad at me."

"I'm not mad, Kate. Just...not sure where to go from here."

"Go to Haiti, Josh. I'll be here when you get back. But when you do, we need to talk about us. Face to face."

"I'd like that." He went silent, but Beckett sensed that he had more to say, and so she waited. "I'm sorry, Kate. Sorry that I need to do this. Sorry that it's doing this to us. I'm sorry that I hurt you."

"I'm sorry too, Josh. For a lot of things. But why don't we just say bye and put this all behind us for now. We can deal with it later."

"I'll call you. From Haiti. So many times you'll probably get annoyed."

"I know you will."

"So, we're okay?"

"We're okay."

"I'll miss you, Kate."

"I'll miss you too, Josh. Be careful."

"I will. You too. Bye."

"Bye."

Beckett hung up, feeling an odd mixture of sadness and relief. She was fairly certain that they wouldn't make it through this separation, but she knew she couldn't make Josh stay. Maybe this was for the best. It would certainly give her an excuse to end things before they started to venture towards serious. But did she want that? Would it be so bad for their relationship to get serious? She shook her head. She couldn't do this right now. She had a bomb to find. Her boyfriend troubles would have to wait.

* * *

><p>Josh scrolled through his contacts until he reached a number he'd never used. It was one of two numbers Beckett had given to him in case he had an emergency and couldn't get in touch with her. It rang three times before he heard a voice.<p>

"Esposito."

"Hey, Esposito. This is Josh."

"Josh? Why are you calling me? Is something wrong with Beckett?"

"Wait, you mean she isn't with you guys?"

"No. She...went home a while ago."

"Well, she's not at home, I'm at her apartment right now. She tried to call me a few times a couple of hours ago, but I wasn't able to answer. Now I can't get a hold of her."

"We can't get her either." Esposito said, trying to hide the worry on his voice. "We figured she was with Castle or with you."

"Why would she be with Castle?" Josh demanded.

"They got kicked off the case." Esposito answered with a sigh. "Look, Castle's daughter called an hour ago and said she couldn't get an answer from him."

"So they're missing?"

"Let's not jump to conclusions."

Josh caught the double meaning in his words, but didn't say anything about it.

"What do we do now?" He asked.

"Ryan and I will find her." Esposito said with determination. "I'll keep you posted."

"I want to help."

"The best way you can help is to let us do our jobs. I promise to call as soon as we know where she is."

"Okay. Thank you."

"No problem."

Josh flipped his phone shut and took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. All he could do was hope that Ryan and Esposito were as good at their jobs as Kate had told him they were.

* * *

><p>Beckett was dead. She had to be. There was no other explanation. The last thing she remembered was that she was about to confess something to Castle. Something she'd never confess if she thought she was going to survive. Now she was blinking into lights that were harshly bright, and she felt an odd warmth flowing through her veins. The weight of what must be several blankets was pressing over her whole body. Oh yeah. And Josh was staring at her. Josh was on his way to Haiti. Not here. But yet, there he was. And now the apparition was speaking.<p>

"Can you hear me, Kate?"

She tried to answer him, but all she could do was nod. Her mouth and throat felt like sandpaper that had been left in the desert at midday. She attempted to swallow, but she couldn't even do that. He seemed to realize what she needed because all of a sudden his hand was softly pressing at the back of her head, lifting it slightly, and a cup was brought to her lips. The lukewarm water that met her parched skin was the best thing she'd ever tasted.

"Slowly, Kate." Josh told her. "Just a few tiny sips."

She did as she was told and then Josh laid her head back down. He turned to set the cup behind him and then looked back at her. He smiled at her, but there was concern in his eyes.

"Think you can talk now?" He asked.

She swallowed a few more times and took stock of how she felt.

"Castle?" She squeaked out.

"He's fine, but not awake yet." He grabbed her hand and began stroking his thumb gently over her still somewhat tingly skin. "You gave us all quite a scare."

"How'd you find us?" She whispered.

"The boys tracked your car. You'll have to ask them for the details."

"How are you here?"

"I didn't get on the plane."

"Why?"

"I had something more important here."

Tears sprung to Beckett'e eyes. She told herself she was just overly emotional from the near death experience as she blinked them back. She use their still joined hands to tug him closer. He leaned down and kissed her lightly.

"I'm glad you stayed." She said against his lips.

"Me too." He replied before kissing her again.

He pulled away and sat up. Beckett looked around and realized she was in an ambulance.

"Can I get up? I don't want to stay in here. I've had enough of small boxy vehicles for one day."

Josh laughed and nodded.

"If you feel strong enough, yeah, we can get you out of here."

"I do." She told him.

He nodded again and lifted the blankets off of her.

"This might sting." He said.

He pulled out her IV line, wiped her hand dry, and put a bandage on with a lightning fast, well practiced ease. Then he took her other hand and helped her sit up. She let out a huff of air as the whole world went blurry.

"You sure you're okay?" He asked worriedly.

"Yeah. Just give me a sec."

She took a few deep breaths and took her hands from Josh's so she could stretch her arms out. The extra oxygen and the good pain from the muscles stretching had her feeling almost normal again within moments. She stood up on her own, almost bumping her head before she remembered to stoop since she was in the ambulance.

Josh grabbed a blanket and got out, then held a hand up to Beckett. She smirked but took it anyway and joined him on the ground. He wrapped the blanket around her shoulders and pointed to another ambulance parked next to the one they'd just exited.

"Castle's in there." He said.

"Can we check on him?"

"Sure. I'll go. Why don't you wait out here."

She nodded her agreement and walked over to her car which was still parked nearby. As she leaned up against it Josh climbed into the other ambulance and Ryan and Esposito headed her way.

* * *

><p>"Hey." Beckett said as she walked into Josh's light embrace.<p>

"Hey, yourself."

"So I need you to clear me for duty."

"You do?"

"Yep. You're my doctor. I need medical clearance. Castle too."

"Kate." Josh face turned serious. "You both should be going home to rest."

"Josh, please?"

"You're gonna keep working no matter what I say, aren't you?"

Beckett hesitated, but then she noticed the smallest of grins tugging at the corners of his mouth. She leaned up and kissed him, much harder than before but not as hard as she would have of they'd not been surrounded by other law enforcement officials. She broke away far sooner than either of them wanted her to.

"Thank you." She said to his unspoken permission.

"You can thank me later." He said with a wink.

"Oh, don't worry." She turned and started to walk away, then threw a look over her shoulder. "I will."

* * *

><p>"You know, I was thinking...I was thinking maybe-" Castle hesitated briefly. "I should go home. Get some rest. Long day. Goodnight."<p>

He turned and headed for the exit, leaving Beckett confused. She was fairly sure that Castle had more to say, but she wasn't going to push it.

"Goodnight." She called out after him. Suddenly she felt someone behind her. She turned and saw Josh. "Oh, hey." She said softly as he wrapped her in his arms.

She laid her head at an angle on Josh's chest so she could watch Castle. Something was definitely troubling him. But he wasn't the only one. She had a lot on her mind too. Like what it meant that Josh had stayed. She'd told Castle that she thought it meant they had a chance, but did it? Did she want that chance? Or had she simply lost her easy way out? She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. None of that mattered right then. Not after the last couple days she'd had. She could start worrying about it tomorrow.

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's get out of here."

"I thought you'd never ask."


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: A Love of Convenience**

**Summary: Sometimes we can't have the things we want and we have to settle for the things that we need.**

**Disclaimer****: I don't own most of the characters I write about. If you recognize a name, odds are it isn't mine. But seeing as this is a fanfic website, you probably knew that already.**

**Thanks again to Sunshiny-Kate, the best beta a writer could ask for! She also came up with the premise of this story.**

* * *

><p>Beckett shut her door and leaned against it. It took several slow, deep breaths to calm her down. What was she thinking? She was in a relationship. What if Castle had still been on that couch? She would most likely be cheating on Josh right now. And what scared her the most was that she didn't feel all that bad about it.<p>

She'd never cheated on anyone before. Never wanted to. She still didn't want to. But after sitting there on that couch, so close to Castle, hearing the things he said with his voice so low and tender, her head and heart were more confused and at odds with each other than they'd ever been. She wanted Castle, but she already had Josh.

She had to get a handle on these feelings. Hide them away, somewhere deep, where she could pretend like they didn't exist. Because she knew that if she didn't ignore them, she'd give in to them. And she was stronger than her feelings. She was in control of them, they were not in control of her. They couldn't be. She would not allow them to be.

She took in a few more deep breaths, letting each one out silently and slowly. Then she pushed off the door and headed to the bathroom to get ready for bed. This case was far from over and she was tired.

* * *

><p>Royce's two most poignant words bounced around in her head. 'If only.' Beckett looked over at her sleeping partner, then thought back a few nights to when she'd nearly given in. Royce had a point. She certainly didn't want to live a life full of regrets. Well, any more than she already had. But like she'd told herself over and over as she'd laid in bed that night, she was not available.<p>

Maybe someday the fate that Castle seemed to believe so strongly in would bring them together. It wouldn't be today though. Or tomorrow. One thing was for sure. Josh or no Josh, Beckett would not allow herself to be with Castle as long as her mother's case remained unsolved. She couldn't give all of herself to anyone, not even Josh, until justice had been served. And she doesn't want to give anything less to Castle, if she ever has the chance to give him anything.

* * *

><p>Two nights after she got back from L.A., Beckett was walking into her apartment with Josh in tow. They hadn't seen each other since her return and they'd just had dinner. Now they'd come to her place to satisfy their other appetite.<p>

As soon as she shut the door she threw herself into his arms and kissed him wildly. He returned the kiss with an equal fervor and they started stumbling to her room without letting go. They were almost there when Beckett broke away.

"Josh, wait."

He only answer was to move his lips down her neck. He had no interest in talking.

"Josh, seriously, wait a minute."

"What is it?" He asked against her throbbing pulse point.

"I need to show you something."

"Can't it wait?" He murmured, still not fully invested in the conversation.

"No." She pushed him back and met his eyes with hers. "I need to show you now."

"Okay. What do you need to show me?"

She took him by the hand and walked slowly over to the window that hid her own private murder board. She'd decided to let Josh in on more of her life. He knew her mother had been murdered, and that she'd killed Coonan, but he deserved to know just how much this case meant to her. They reached the window and she dropped his hand so she could open the shutters.

"What is all this, Kate?" He asked quietly.

"Every bit of evidence I have in my mother's case."

"You have it hanging up on your wall?"

"Yes. It's how I solve cases. I need to see everything."

"I thought you said you killed the guy that killed her."

"I did. But I still don't know who hired him."

Josh went silent, obviously trying to process this new information.

"Why do you have it here though?" He asked a few moments later.

"I can't keep it at the precinct." She answered. "We have too many open cases, new cases. So we work on it here."

"We?"

"Castle and I."

"Castle knows about this?" His tone had a definite hint of hurt to it.

"Well, yeah. He's the one who re-opened her case in the first place."

"What?"

"I had all but given up hope of ever finding answers, Josh. Then Castle found some evidence that eventually connected Coonan to her murder."

"So all of this is his doing?" Josh pointed at the various pictures and notes.

"In a way, yes. I doubt I would have ever looked back in to her case were it not for him." She paused as she saw a angry, worried look flash through his eyes. "Josh, this is just a work thing. I promise. He's helping me solve the one case I can't solve on my own."

"Why are you telling me this, showing me this, now?"

"Because you're my boyfriend, and I don't want to keep you out of any part of my life. Not anymore. I want us to be open with each other and not keep any secrets."

Josh stared at the window for a while longer and then turned to her. He smiled and wrapped her in a bear hug.

"Thank you, Kate."

"You're welcome." She kissed his chest and smiled up at him. "And now, in the interest of total disclosure, I have some new bed-sheets I need to show you."

Josh laughed a deep, throaty laugh that vibrated through her due to their close proximity and she started laughing too. Then she wiggled out of his grasp and grabbed his hand again before taking off towards her bedroom.

* * *

><p>Until now, Josh had just been doing his job. Saving a life. No big deal. But when the EMT removed the breathing bag from the victim's face, his world stopped. The female who'd been shot was the last person he'd expected to see on his table that day.<p>

"Kate." He said quietly, then shook his head. "Uh, her breathing is shallow, let's get her on the table. One. Two. Three."

The staff of nurses and doctors lifted Beckett to the operating table.

"Page Dr. Kovaks, tell him he has to take over." Josh instructed.

"Who is she?" A male E.R. resident named Rohan Singh asked.

"She's my girlfriend." Josh answered matter of factly. "We need a chest tube."

The next several minutes go by in slow motion for Josh, even with the fast pace of the skilled team working with him. He feels as if he is working in molasses in the dead of winter, unable to move quickly enough to make Beckett better. All he wants is for her to stop bleeding, open her eyes, and smile up at him. At this point, he'd settle for an angry glare or a reprimand. He just wants some sign of life from the woman who's blood now stains his his shoes.

Suddenly the door burst open and Josh hears Singh bringing Dr. Kovaks up to speed. In the frenzy Josh hears himself arguing that he has this under control, but he is focused so much on trying to sew up the bleeding pulmonary vein that he doesn't really hear his own words.

"Josh, step aside." Kovaks demanded, his tone breaking Josh from his spell.

"I'm already in." Josh said. "Let me sew her up."

"You did what you had to. Now, do what you're supposed to." Kovaks insisted.

Josh hesitated and stared at Beckett' pale face, saw her still closed eyes, felt his stomach drop as he saw the intubation tube again. The plastic jutting from the lips he'd kissed so many times sickened him. It was further evidence that she wasn't able to survive on her own.

"Dr. Davidson." Singh interrupted Josh's thoughts softly, almost pleading with him to do the right thing.

Josh waited another moment before his training kicked back in. He turned and handed Kovaks the clamp. He took one last look at Beckett and then headed towards the door. He angrily ripped off his gloves, hat, mask, and gown as he walked, throwing them in the proper container before he opened the door and stormed out.

He had to find him. That arrogant, self-serving, investigation instigating writer. His girlfriend was fighting for her life on a cold, metal table, and it was all Richard Castle's fault. If he hadn't pushed her into reopening her mother's case, if he hadn't stuck his nose where it didn't belong, then Beckett wouldn't be bleeding out on the tramua room floor. Josh rounded a corner and finally found the man he was looking for. He continued down the corrider, headed straight for Castle, his anger growing with every step.

* * *

><p>Beckett blinked her eyes open slowly. She still wasn't used to the harsh lights of the hospital, and she already couldn't wait to be released. She tried to move, but the slightest pull on her two scars made a jolt of pain burn through her.<p>

"Hey."

She looked over at Josh and smiled weakly.

"Hey." She replied hoarsely.

"Want to sit up?" He asked.

"Please."

Josh nodded and stood up. He pressed the button on the side of her bed and the upper half slowly started to move, sitting Beckett up as it went.

"That's good." She told him when she was in the position she wanted.

He leaned forward and kissed her, his touch gentle because he knew her mouth was still sore. He broke away and pulled his chair closer to her bed before sitting back down. He reached for her hand and began smoothing his thumb in gentle circles over her skin.

"I can't believe you're still here." Beckett said.

"I left when you went to sleep." Josh explained. "I actually just came back about five minutes ago."

Beckett leaned her head back against her pillow to help fight off the exhaustion that was already creeping back in.

"Kate, tell me how you're feeling."

"Like I got shot." She quipped.

"No, really. Do you need more pain medicine? Are you hungry or thirsty?"

"I don't need anything right now. Thank you though, Josh." She paused with a thoughtful look on her face. "Although some real clothes would be nice. This gown is kinda itchy, and it's totally unflattering." She pointed to her plastic covered identification bracelet. "And this bracelet is so not in style."

She didn't know where the joking was coming from. Maybe almost dying made things funnier. But Josh seemed to pick up on some unspoken need to keep it going.

"No, this bracelet looks good on you." He told her. "It's not diamonds."

He paused to chuckle and Beckett huffed out a quiet laugh too. He didn't get to finish his joke though, because he looked up at Beckett and saw that she was looking away from him. Her face was lit up with the biggest, brightest smile she'd worn since she'd woken up. He followed her gaze and saw Castle standing just inside the doorway, much to his dismay.

"Hey, Castle." Beckett said, her smile growing as she spoke.

Castle didn't answer her. He just stood there, shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other.

"I'll see you after rounds." Josh told Beckett with a sigh.

"Yeah." She responded distractedly.

Josh stood up and kissed her on the temple. As he left her side he ran a finger over her hand to have one more touch of her warmth; to feel the proof of her life. As he approached the exit he went around Castle, not wanting to touch him. He still hadn't taken the blame from him, and he knew he never would.

* * *

><p>Beckett hated how slow she had to walk, but her hatred of her pace didn't help her be able to go any faster.<p>

"I'm coming!" She yelled out when the buzzer rang again. "Hold your horses, Dad." She mumbled to herself.

She finally reached the door after what felt like years and swung it open. She didn't try to hide the surprise that washed over her face.

"Josh, hey." She said. "I thought you were my dad. He's coming to help me pack."

"Oh, sorry." Josh replied.

"No, it's fine. Come in. He probably won't be here for a little while anyway." Josh nodded and stepped past her. She shut the door and turned to face him. "So, I'm sorry I haven't called for a couple of days." She sighed.

"That's okay." Josh said. "I haven't called either."

"Can we go sit down?" Beckett asked. "I can't really stand up for too long yet."

"Sure."

Josh turned and headed straight for her couch and she followed, albeit much slower. Once they were both seated, Josh cleared his throat.

"Kate, I came to say good-bye."

"Josh, my phone gets decent reception at the cabin. And you can come visit. Just give me a few days with just my dad. Then you can come up as much as you want."

"No, Kate. I mean, good-bye. As in, I won't be seeing you anymore."

"What?" She breathed out.

"We're over Kate. I'm sorry, but we are. I've been thinking about this a lot the last few days. That's why I haven't called."

"Why?" It was all she could ask.

"I hate to do this to you now, when you're still recovering, but it isn't fair to either of us to wait."

"Josh, I'm not a child. Quit stalling and just tell me why."

Josh let out a loud sigh and shot a glance towards the window that hid her murder board.

"Kate, when you were in the hospital, right after your surgery, you were still unconscious."

"Well, yeah, Josh. I'd just been shot and operated on."

"Are you going to let me talk?" He asked harshly.

"Sorry." She huffed. "Go on."

"Well, I sat there, by your bed, until you woke up. Normally it's only family that can do that, but they let me because I work there. I watched you sleeping, waiting for you to come back to me. And although you weren't awake, you were talking."

"Talking?" She interjected.

"Yeah. It was mostly gibberish and names. Lots of names. You called out for your mother and your dad. You said Lanie's name a couple of times, and mentioned Ryan, Esposito, and Montgomery several times too." He paused when he saw tears well up in her eyes, but after she blinked them away he continued. "You said all those names. But there was one name you said over and over, more times than all the others combined. His name." He watched her for a reaction, but to his surprise, there was none this time. "And you know whose name you didn't say once? Not a single time?" He waited for any kind of answer, but she didn't offer one. "Mine." His tone was suddenly sharper than before.

"Josh, I'd seen most of them at the funeral. I'm sure that's why. And you weren't there because you had to work. You can't seriously tell me you're breaking up with me because of my post-trauma unconscious ramblings."

"That's not all, Kate."

"Then what else is it?"

"I wish you could have seen the way you smiled when he came in the room." He paused and swallowed hard. "You've never once smiled at me like that."

"Josh, he's my partner and friend. That's all there is to it. I've told you that."

"Yeah, you have. But I don't believe it any more than you do."

"Josh-"

"No, let me finish." He interrupted. "Kate, you mean more to me than any other woman I've dated. Maybe I should have shown you my feelings better. But it doesn't matter. Because I could never let myself love a woman who is in love with another man. I won't let myself get hurt like that."

"I don't love him, Josh."

"I'm not going to touch that statement, Kate." He let out another sigh, this one more mournful. "Look, I'm not mad, and I don't want you to be either. You know we've been headed in this direction for awhile now."

It was Beckett's turn to sigh. She let out the air that felt stale in her lungs, not realizing until then that she'd been holding her breath.

"I know." She agreed.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, both knowing that this was the right thing for them, but neither overly happy about it. Josh was the first to speak again.

"I guess I better go. Like you said, your dad will be here soon, and I don't want to hold the two of you up."

"Yeah, okay." Beckett said as she stood up.

Josh followed suit and they walked slowly to the door. He got there first and opened it for himself. She caught up a few seconds later.

"Can I say one more thing, Kate?"

"Sure." She whispered.

"What you went through, most people wouldn't have survived. I mean, you were shot in the chest. And you died several times that day. But each time you fought your way back." He smiled weakly. "You were given a second chance at life, Kate. Don't waste it."

"Thank you, Josh. For everything. And I'm sorry. For everything."

"You're not the only one to blame for this, Kate. I should have fought harder for us."

"Let's just say it's no one's fault and let bygones be bygones."

"That'll work."

He stepped closer and pressed his lips lightly to her cheek, and then she did the same.

"Good-bye, Kate."

"Good-bye, Josh."

And with that he turned and went to the elevator. He pressed the button and when the doors opened he stepped on. He looked back at her and they waved at each other, just a quick flick of the hand, just one last farewell. Beckett waited until the doors slid shut before she went back into her apartment.

She knew that later that night, and for probably several nights after, there would be tears. But for now, she pushed the confusion and sadness away. She had a lot of healing to do, and even more thinking to process. First though, she had to get out of the city; she had to get away from all the things that befuddled her in the first place. So she sat on her couch to wait for the buzzer to announce her dad's arrival. Once he came and took her away, she could let herself tackle the mental and emotional hurdles that were stacked along with the physical ones. There was only one thing she was sure of. It was going to be a long summer.

* * *

><p><strong>AN - Thank you for reading. This may not be the way most people imagine the breakup, but it's the way I see it in my head. Also. Thank you for the reviews and alerts. Your support means more to me than I could ever put into words. -Paige**


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